The Bro Foods Movement

Looking for something a little more Bro-n up or a little more┬áBromantic than the chips and salsa you normally bring to the party? Look no more. Hunter “Tripp” Brady “Bro-dy” James has founded Bro-Foods Market in Boone, North Carolina, to serve what he calls that “most American of niches”: dudes who can only cook so much but increasingly must come with the best.

Bro-Foods’ first product line–Desserts for Dudes on the Go, Yo–features frozen desserts in order to maximize its swift market penetration. “We want to capitalize on the cold, hard world people already know. Our first product, Bro Yo (Lo), is a little sweeter than the average frozen yogurt, just like the average bro is a little sweeter, but still low calorie. We’re launching it with our Bros-in-custard and Creme Brolee, which has that fire-hardened exterior but a smooth, silken heart, just like fried tofu. We’re also working on a Broeos & Cream and the Bro-cone, with flavors like Broberry and Bromide.”

From frozen foods, James hopes to march rapidly across the dessert table. He ticks off the possibilities on his fingers and exposed toes: persimmon nut Broaf, Broatmeal & raisin cookies, Broasted almonds, Brocalate gelaBro, Bronana splits, Bronana cream pie, gingerBrod, Bro-ck bottom pie, Broklava, Bronuts and Bronut holes, and what he hopes will mark his entry into the Asian market: “either buns with sweet Brobean paste or Broconut sticky rice. Maybe both at once if we’re lucky.”

James leans back and looks around his office. With his rappelling rope hanging behind him, he finally says, “I was just dreaming of pirBrogis. But look. I don’t care whether you think we’re in a late Broque or an early Brococo. What’s clear is, Bro-Foods is the Renaissance.”

(I thank certain unnamed colleagues for the Bro-Foods generated by them and with their assistance.)